Now, do I look like a monkey to you?

Now, be honest.

D.

It could be hydrocephalus...aka water on the brain. Or something worse like a brain tumor. Or whatever. It didn't matter, the idea of there being anything wrong creates a horrible pit in your stomach. I mean, as parents, we worry enough as it is. I worry every time Baby J. has a cold or every time she makes a funny noise (could that funny noise mean something's wrong with her? probably not, she's probably just being weird.) Whatever the case, we're worriers. And something like this, a problem with her head or her brain really makes us worry. But I think what made us worry more than the potential for there being something wrong (since my wife and I both assumed she probably just had a big head despite what the pediatrician said), was the idea of an MRI.

Now, an MRI is relatively safe. It doesn't use radiation like a CAT scan. But the real scare was that Baby J. would have to be put under. The procedure takes up to 45 minutes or more, and there's no way you could keep most grown adults still for 45 minutes; can you imagine the difficulty in keeping a baby still that long? As a result of this total impossibility, it's necessary to put the baby under general anesthesia. Ug...

This is what we really dreaded. Major things can go wrong when you put someone under. And we couldn't shake the feeling we were going through a completely unnecessary procedure, one that stemmed from the inherited trait of a watermelon-like head. So for three weeks we waited until the date would come for us to go to the hospital. For three weeks, we tried to distract ourselves from the reality that we'd be putting our child under soon. For three weeks, we didn't sleep.

When the date arrived, we had to get up at 5am. We had the first scheduled MRI of the day, a 7:30 appointment that required we arrive at the hospital to fill out paperwork by 6:45. We were tired. Baby J. was happy to be on the trip. Of course not knowing where we were going, she was excited to be out of the house while it was still dark and up way before she's supposed to be. She laughed and talked most of the trip to the hospital. And when we arrived, she was all smiles, babbling to the nurses, checking out all the cool neat hospital equipment she never normally sees.

The anesthesiologist came in, explained the procedure. Nothing he said made us feel better about the situation. Only one of us could go with Baby J. when they put her under. My wife went. As much as I wanted to go, I knew my wife needed to be there for it. She came back a few minutes later, crying. The worst part was watching her baby go limp. One of the doctors joked the hardest part of the procedure was when the moms cried because their baby went limp; my wife didn't find it funny.

Then, we waited. More than an hour went by. Finally, I asked what was taking so long, and I was told Baby J. was finished and sleeping, and we would get to see her when she woke. Thanks so much for telling us the procedure was over. Hospitals, always too busy to tell anyone what's going on. Then, we were told she was waking. And 50 feet before we were to the recovery room (or whatever room it was called), we could hear Baby J. screaming. And when we saw her, wrapped in someone else's arms, bawling because she had no idea what was going on or who was holding her, we ran to her.

It wasn't long before we left the hospital. Baby J. drank some milk, but then she threw up in the car, despite the nurses telling us we didn't have to worry about nausea. Funny enough, Baby J. quickly recovered from being knocked out. She was more active that day than I was, who felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his shoulders. Despite not knowing the results of the MRI yet (it would take 2-3 days), we were relieved the actual procedure was over, that Baby J. had woken without any obvious problems, and that we were home again.

After waiting two days, we got the results. So what was it? Water on the brain? Brain tumor? Something somehow worse?

No.

It was nothing. Baby J. just had a big head. I'm too tired right now to explain how annoyed we were. Sure it could have been something. It could have been something really terrible, and we should feel better for knowing that it isn't anything. But seeing our baby go limp, seeing her wake up screaming and terrified. Knowing that for the next several days afterwards, Baby J. unusually woke up several times in the night (she usually sleeps the whole night through without waking once), and that she would wake in her crib screaming for us, knowing full well this was because she remembered waking up alone and in a stranger's arms; all of this, it made us angry.

D.

Baby J. Tries on Her Birthday Outfit

As promised, I'm going to go into detail on the theme we chose for Baby J.'s first birthday party. We had a lot of themes to choose from. And at first, we really couldn't decide on what we wanted to do. At one point, we had thought of an Alice in Wonderland theme, but we decided that was too complex. We thought of maybe a more general book theme, since Baby J. loves books, but again, we felt it would be too all-over-the-place, and it really wouldn't be easy to find decorations for. So, we came up with an amalgam of themes. We combined two themes to create The Princess Monkey theme.

It sounds a little weird. Princess and monkey theme? We liked the idea of a monkey theme, but we also think of our little girl as a princess. So, we couldn't help but combine the two together. We got green streamer so we could put up what looks like jungle vines around the house. Then, we made paper cut-outs of monkeys to hang from the streamer. We're mostly getting pink balloons, and Baby J. will be wearing a pink tutu. I also designed a little monkey t-shirt for to wear; it says "1st Birthday" on it, and I got it made from cafepress.com. We bought her a little pink crown as well, but the likelihood of it staying on her head for more than five seconds is small; maybe we'll get lucky and snap a photo before she has a chance to take it off.

We decided not to go with cake, even though there are cake pans out there in the shape of monkeys. For the first birthday, we thought it would be much easier to go with cupcakes. The cupcakes will be chocolate with pink frosting, and we found monkey/jungle theme cupcake paper that wraps around each cupcake.

Since there will be other little ones there, we decided to make some favors. We made up some bags that contain a little monkey hand puppet and some other little toy jungle animals.

Continuing with the jungle side of the theme, I also made up a bunch of origami jungle animals, which I'm displaying around the house. These are easy to make; you can find directions for them online. For music, I found dozens of jungle or monkey related songs like "The Lion Sleeps Tonight", "Ape Man" by the Kinks (a personal favorite), "The Monkees Theme", and more. You'd be surprised how much good music is about monkeys or the jungle.

Also, I put together a digital slideshow comprised of thousands of photos from Baby J.'s birth right up to a couple days ago. We'll have this playing on a loop on our TV while guests are walking around and talking. It'll be fun for people to see all the photos of her growing up into being a one year old.

Overall, the party isn't costing much. We made a lot of things ourselves. The origami, the monkey cut-outs, making our own cupcakes and other food, the shirt that I designed myself, the simple party favors we found in a dollar bin, all of it boils down to big savings. If you have the time and the patience to plan it all out, you can save a bundle. You might even save yourself some time in the long run. At first, we tried finding a lot of things online, and it was near impossible. When you have an oddly specific theme like we had, it was easier to hunt and peck and find and make things than try and find a pre-wrapped package or something even close.

D.

Some ideas we've run across:

• Your cute and cuddly birthday themes: teddy bears, Winnie-the-Pooh, Care Bears, etc. These are extremely popular from what I can tell, and it's one of the ideas that crosses gender lines. Boys and girls love teddy bears, all the characters from Winnie-the-Pooh (my daughter has a favorite stuffed bear full of fluff that she loves to hug and kiss). What's great about themes like this is the abundance of material you can find in stores. When we were checking out birthday balloons, it seemed like every other one had a Care Bear or a Winnie-the-Pooh character on it.
• Your girly themes: Princesses are still all the rage. And pink, pink, pink! This is classic and easy to implement. You'll never have trouble finding pink paper plates, napkins and forks. Pink ribbon and pink streamers are abundant. Princess balloons are everywhere. It's also a cute theme. What father doesn't think of his daughter as a princess?
• Sesame Street: Your baby has probably had some introduction to Sesame Street already. Baby J. absolutely loves the Sesame Street songs. We purchased her a DVD of their most popular songs, and she loves it. There's something about watching "Monster in the Mirror" or "I'd Like to Visit the Moon" that completely captivates her. For the only time in her day, she becomes immobile, totally fixed on the music and the lyrics. Aside from that, Baby J. loves the Sesame Street books; my wife still had a few from when she was a kid that we read to Baby J. each evening. So if you're like us, your kid probably recognizes Sesame Street, and so it might be a fun theme for him or her.
• Animal Themes: There are your basic animal-related themes, like the rubber ducky themes. Get some rubber ducks and put them around the house, use yellow streamer, have a bubble blowing machine, the possibilities seem limitless. Or there's your farm animal theme. Your kid probably has a play barn. Baby J. obsesses over the cow and the lamb. She knew what a cow was before she could recognize the word "dog". All those farm animals are second nature to your child.
• Your Classic Boy Themes: Cars and trucks. Sports. This is another one of those themes where you won't have any trouble whatsoever finding any of the supplies you need. From birthday balloons with baseballs and footballs on them to toy cars and trucks, you won't have any trouble decorating your house. There are so many cake pans in the shapes of cars or sports equipment as well. I don't know how much your one year old will be into sports, but you have to keep in mind, the first birthday is probably more about you and your friends and family than your little one. He/she is there to enjoy the ride, not to be an active part of the planning.

I'll describe in greater detail what we chose as our theme in an additional post.

D.

It's funny doing all of this work and all of this planning for someone who in all likelihood won't remember much of the day after a week or so (if even that long, I really don't how long a baby's memory is). I just tried googling baby memory, and I'm getting about 500 different answers. The point is, she won't remember it years from now, she won't remember all the friends and family that came just for her. She won't remember the cake or the presents or the smiles on everyone's faces. I guess it's a good thing I plan on taking a lot of pictures.

I think I have about one picture from my first birthday. My family was clearly lazy in the picture-taking department.

D.

I don't hate him. He wasn't abusive to me, at least he didn't hit me. And only a few times did he scream at me or bring me to tears. I can think of the last time he did bring me to tears; I was talking on the phone with my mother, telling her I was ready to leave my father's place for the weekend, and he stood behind me and started shouting, "tell her to shut up! tell her to shut up!" I don't know what he was thinking. He thought it was funny. That was his kind of sense of humor I guess, belittling people. I broke down, and I cried into the phone. Quickly, like a kid who realizes he's done something wrong, he kept hopping around apologizing and telling me I could have friends over next time I visited: because well, he never encouraged me to have friends over or have birthdays at his house or Christmas there or anything. So, being the age I was at the time, around 12 I think, I just kind of thought to myself my father is a big kid.

I was always terrified of my father. I don't know why. Like I said, he never hit me, but I guess in the back of my head I always thought he would. For awhile, my mom had a boyfriend, and I lived with the two of them. Her boyfriend turned mean, and he hated me. I was a teenager, and he was convinced I was always on drugs. Ironically, I've never used drugs, not even tried them. This guy, he was probably 3 or 4 inches taller than my father and built like a rock, pure muscle. And me, a 15 year old scrawny kid who was 120lbs soaking wet, I used to stand right up to him when he made the accusations. I never backed down. He was somebody I should have been afraid of, thinking back, so why wasn't I? And why was I so afraid of my father instead? It just makes me realize I never want my daughter to be afraid of me, not ever. I'll discipline her. I'll keep her in line, but I'll always make sure she knows she can come to me, whenever she needs to, that I'll always be there for her.

I know I'm all over the place, as I'm writing this, but that's how my mind is working right now. I'm thinking back to when I was little. I would call my father each weekend, set up when I'd visit, and then my mom would drive me over. When I kind of decided I didn't really want to see him anymore, I just stopped calling. He didn't call me back either. Years passed, and then he made a weak effort to reconcile with me by buying me some things. What was there to buy me? The thing is, I didn't hate or resent him. I just didn't really want to know him. And I look back, and I think he mustn't have really wanted to know me. If Baby J. grows up and some day (and she will as all teenagers do) goes through a period where she doesn't talk to me, I'm going to find out why. I'm going to sit down with her. And I'm going to work it out. But I won't let her drift out of my life.

The last I ever hear is my father resents me. He's angry I never called him, that I didn't invite him to my graduation or my wedding. But why would I? I know there are a lot of people who stick by the adage "honor thy father" but I think it's a two-way street. That's my opinion on it. If I felt like he wanted to be a part of my life, maybe I would have tried harder to be a part of his. He had parental visitation rights. He had every right to order me over to his house, to stop by for a visit, to pick up the phone and find out what was wrong with his son, why his son felt such a disconnect with him. But he never did. He thinks I was jealous, attention starved, etc. But that wasn't it. Jealous of what? And if I was starved for attention, wouldn't I do everything in my power to see him? Wouldn't I be like a constant lap dog wishing for his approval? Instead, I never wanted his approval, I never needed it. I didn't care what he thought. And I've spent more than ten years assuming he never cared what I thought.

So, finally, I come to the point of this article. What does it mean to be a father? Fathers these days, thank God, are a lot more involved than they used to be. I know a few dads who treasure every moment with their kids, who I imagine would never let their kids drift apart from them. I think being a father means:

• Full, 100% commitment to your kids. Know them. Understand them. Do everything in your power to know every facet of your child's life.
• Financially supporting your children. Encouraging their interests.
• Taking responsibility for your child. Disciplining them. Teaching them.
• Interact with your children, involve their friends and other family members, don't sit them down and ostracize them from the rest of the world.

I don't know how my father measures his parenting skills. I think he's twisted it all up in his mind, and he's come to see me as a spoiled brat. I think it helps him sleep better when he doesn't hear the phone calling him. But you know, looking back at the list, at the third item, maybe that's why my father never felt like a father. He didn't discipline me or make me feel like I was in a controlled environment. I always felt like visits with him were utter chaos. I would go home stressed, and I would be a jerk to my mom for a few hours. I remember my mom one time, bringing me home from his house and saying, "Why do you always act up when you come back from his place?" And it was true, I did. I always acted up for a couple hours until I got it out of my system. Maybe it's something about hanging out with a big kid for two days that does that to a person.

I came to realize, at some point, I didn't like the way I was around him, and I didn't like being around him. I hope more than anything Baby J. will never feel that way about me.

D.

One thing to note: teething is somewhat hereditary, if the mother or father of the baby teethed early, it's more likely the baby will teethe early. Most children have a full set of teeth by the time they are 2 to 3 years of age. These teeth last until roughly the age of six. Typically, the teeth that were first to appear will be the teeth that are first to fall out. Now I'm getting a little ahead of myself.

Which teeth come in first?

At six to seven months, the incisors (the two central top and bottom teeth) typically show themselves. Some babies are later and some are earlier. Baby J. started teething around five months.

What are the symptoms of teething?

Once again, the symptoms vary drastically from child to child. It's helpful to check with your pediatrician. They're better able to tell if your baby is teething. They know what to look for in your baby's mouth, such as teeth budding just below the surface.

Crankiness: Your happy, usually delighted baby, is suddenly cranky all the time. This is the most common symptom we've encountered. Baby J. is usually happy all the time, but the lack of sleep and the pain in her mouth leaves her cranky all the time. She yells more. Things that normally don't bother her, bug her a lot.

Drooling: Excessive drooling is very common during the teething phase. The problem here is that most babies are droolers around the six to seventh month period when the first teeth start to show. However, the amount of drooling that precedes the eruption of a tooth is usually far greater than your baby's day-to-day, typical drooling. Sometimes, it's like they're drooling buckets. Expect loose stools to accompany the drooling. Your baby will be swallowing a lot of that excess saliva, and as a result, watery diapers are a norm.

Face rash and coughing: Because of the excessive drool, it's not uncommon for your baby to develop a rash around his/her chin and to cough more often. Cleaning your baby's face regularly will help reduce the rash.

Biting: The pain caused by the teeth shifting under the gums and getting ready to erupt results in a baby that bites...everything. Biting helps ease the pain in the jaw. It applies pressure to the gums thus making the gums feel a bit better. So your baby, who is normally fairly gentle with you, might suddenly lunge at you and bite at you, especially your hard fingers. Give your baby a lot of teething toys, especially the ones that can go in the freezer; the extra cold toys will help numb the sore points in your baby's mouth.

Ear Pulling: The pain caused by the teeth coming in radiates through the jaw and causes severe pain in the ears. Your baby might start tugging her ears really hard. Beware though, this can also be a sign that your child has an earache. Check for inflammation and redness in the ear, and check with your pediatrician. Earaches can be severe and can lead to hearing loss. This is coming from someone, who as a baby experienced horrible earaches, and as a result, I have permanent hearing loss.

Low-Grade Fever: This is one of those symptoms that is debated by pediatricians. Some people swear that teething causes fever. Others say that it's just a coincidence, that during this time in your baby's life, they are more prone to illnesses that cause fevers. I tend to meet them halfway. I'm not a doctor, so it's guesswork, but I believe that the teething process, which wears down your baby physically due to the lack of sleep and the rawness of their gums makes them more susceptible to bacterias and other germs that result in fever. Either way you look at it, if your baby is experiencing a fever accompanied by some of these other symptoms, it's more likely they might be teething.

How can I ease my child's pain?

Teething rings, especially those that can go in the freezer, are a good way to help. He/she will chew the rings, relieving pressure on the gums, and the cold ring will help numb the sore, raw points. Cold food can help too. If you usually give your baby a warm bottle, try giving them a nice, cold bottle. Baby J. always preferred an ice cold bottle. The same goes if your baby is eating solids. Just because you prefer your foods warm that doesn't mean your baby would mind an icy snack. Cold applesauce, chilled yogurts, cold pears and other fruits really help numb the pain.

Infant tylenol and when the pediatrician gives the ok, infant motrin, can help the pain, when nothing else will. When Baby J. is at her worst and the pain is keeping her up all night, we usually turn to one of these medicines. She can't realistically chew on teething rings in her sleep, so the medicine is the only thing that will keep her from waking every few minutes in excruciating pain. Baby orajel can help, if you know the spot in the gums that's the problem, you can apply orajel directly to those affected areas, helping to numb the pain.

Don't Worry...

Eventually, the tooth or teeth will erupt. When the teeth come out, the pain immediately subsides. Your baby will return to their usual self. It's the waiting that leaves us impatient parents in dire straits.

D.

I keep thinking to myself how painful life can be. Birth wasn't exactly pleasant for my baby or my wife. All the stumbles, all the crashes while learning to walk. And then there's teething. I remember when my wisdom teeth came in. It was agony. I was one of the few people blessed with enough room in their mouth for their wisdom teeth to come in, and when they did, it felt like I was chewing glass for a week. I try not to think of that too much, when I hear Baby J. wake up in the middle of the night screaming. I hate to think of her in that type of pain.

D.

But the real reason I bring this up isn't to reaffirm what I already believe. And it's not to convince readers who spank their kids that spanking is wrong. It's to show the problem with studies. I already have my mind made up. I already believe that spanking is unnecessary. How likely is it that the people who conducted the study showing that spanking leads to aggressive toddlers also already had it made up in their minds that spanking led to behavioral issues? It's also likely that the people conducting the study that showed spanking led to better behavior probably had it made up in their minds that was the case.

It shows no good parent should ever blindly listen to studies. There is too much research that contradicts other research. It is too easy for results to be manipulated, even unintentionally, to favor a particular result. These studies rarely delve deeply enough into the history of those being studied to factor out other variables that may be impacting the results. It's entirely possible that someone who spanks their kid will have a kid that doesn't exhibit any aggressive behavior, who performs immaculately in school. Just like it's entirely possible that someone who never spanks their kid will have a child that is aggressive and performs poorly in thinking abilities. There are other factors at play. Do the parents sit down with their child and teach them, read to them, learn with them? Do the parents teach them the correct way to handle a situation they don't like? These studies rarely if ever ask more questions. They're interested only in attaining a result based on a single factor.

So, my best advice to parents, don't ignore the research and the studies, but take the studies with a grain of salt. Use logic. If a study seems completely contrary to your own beliefs, do further research, find other studies, read up on it, ask other parents, ask your own parents. There's a wealth of information out there, and I don't think any single source is ever completely right on a subject.

I think the trick is not cursing ever. Not just when she's in the room, but all the time. Maybe I should get a swear jar or something. Do those help? Every time I curse, I plunk a quarter in the jar. Eventually, I should learn not to do it, right? Old habits die hard, so I'm really going to have to be conscious of this all the time.

D.